I watched the children walk in and out of Harvey’s Toy Store. Their little button noses scrunching up as their mouths stretched into wide toothy smiles, pointing up at the new plastic dolls that had just arrived for the Christmas season. Oh, how I long to be hugged again, to have my hair brushed and adorned in beautiful frilly dresses as sweet nothings travelled into my ears. Sitting on this high, glass shelf, my envious self could only watch with longing. Oh, how I wish.

Two pale green orbs stared back up at me, head cocked to the side as he drew closer. Unlike the regulars, he sported a brown tweed jacket mismatched with abnormally bright yellow trousers and a green scarf, turning the heads of many, but he seemed unbothered. Instead, he pointed up at me and beckoned for the lady at the busy counter to come over. Could he? Was he? This all seemed too good to be true, but at last, I welcomed the cool wind of the glass door opening.

The gentle jingle of Harvey’s Toy Store bade me farewell as we headed off. Oh, where will I go? He tucked me into a seat and fastened the safety belt. The front of my legs dangled off the seat. The engine sputtered to life and soon enough, we were driving away.

We whizzed past buildings and shops adorned with ornaments of green, red and gold while their windows were plastered with deals and discounts. The radio faintly sung our all-time favourite: Jingle Bells, accompanying our quiet ride. I watched mothers push their strollers as fathers juggled shopping bags brimmed with wrapped goodies of all colours. “I want one!”, a distant memory echoed in my head. A sight so mundane yet so familiar.

Ever so often, I felt the man’s gaze. He would brush the hair out of my eyes or straighten my dress. Sometimes, he spoke,

“Look, it’s your favourite candy store”, he pointed.

“I remember when we dropped you off on your first day of school…”

“Really? You think so too?” he laughed.

We pulled up to the driveway of my home. I am so excited! Will I get to have tea parties? Oh, what about playing dress-up? I simply cannot wait!

As we entered the house, he sat me down in front of a floor-length mirror by the now faded stain on the floor from the spill of momma’s raspberry jam. Hmmm, she was always so clumsy.

Staring at myself for the first time in ages felt surreal. Shiny chocolate curls framed my smooth glass face. My rosy cheeks glowed while my eyes enhanced by long, healthy lashes making them far too wide for my liking. A tiny mole kissed just below my left eye and another at the corner of my heart-shaped lips. Unlike the other dolls, my dress held nothing special. A periwinkle blue button-down with a white Peter Pan collar, complete with a pair of Mary Janes. How boring.

In the mirror, I saw the man pacing.

He walked towards the wall that hung a grid-like paper with several numbers and crosses on it. There was a big red circle on the 24th. With a faraway look, he stared quietly. Pondering as his fingers traced the lines of the grid.

The whistle of the kettle awoke him from his trance. “Would you like some hot chocolate?”, he asked.

Just like that, it became our daily routine. He would carry me towards the dining table and sit me down, greeting me with the hot concoction and a side of dinner. Two floating, big marshmallows in my cup, and cheesy macaroni, just the way I liked it. If only I could relish its sweet and salty taste once again.

I cherished the moments before bed the most. He would brush my hair and change me into the most comfortable pyjamas. Warm sheets greeted my back as he tucked me into bed, kissing my forehead goodnight—a gesture I never knew I missed so much. Every night, the silence would greet me as he shut the door. Then I would be alone with my thoughts as they consumed me whole.

Then, I heard him. The man. His cries haunted the empty hallways each night; an all too familiar deep agony that I cannot help but feel saddened yet comforted by. Sometimes, he would laugh and others, remain dead silent.

When morning came, he would behave as normally as ever. As if the nights before were all in my head. Were they?

Every day, the man would add a cross to the grid-like paper. On the day of the circled number, he came into my room and picked out a beautiful dress. Gone was the periwinkle one, replaced by my favourite outfit that had white and pink daisies on the bottom. He brushed out the tangles from my hair and braided the chocolate swirls down my back, letting the little strays frame my face.

“We have family coming in today,” he said.

“It is an important day. Behave well, alright?”

Down the stairs he cradled my four-foot-long body, each step feeling more ominous than before. As if the house, too, was holding its breath, waiting for what was to come. He sat me down on the sofa and introduced the people to me. But I only took notice of the walls.

Frames. Each rectangular shape held a slice of memory buried within them. They were never there before. A little girl on a bike. Her on her birthday as she smiled proudly with her parents. The man! His crescent eyes stared fondly at the little girl being hugged by a woman. Again, the little girl on the front porch. Who is she? Wait. Her features. Those cheeks, those curls, those tiny dots. That was me! But how?

“What is wrong with you, Peter? Of all days, why did you dress this doll up like her?” exclaimed the lady.

“Martha, that is her. What are you talking about?”

“Peter, she’s a doll. And that dress, how could you? She’s not—”

“YES, SHE IS. SHE IS RIGHT THERE”, yelled Peter.

“She’s been missing for four years. You know that, Peter. For all we know, she’s dead by now,” said Martha as she approached me.

“Get away from her!”

Two little girls peeked out from behind their father’s legs, peering towards me. Unbeknownst to the on-going heated argument, they made their way over. Jane! Jess! Oh, I’ve missed you both! Timidly, they reached out. Help me get out! Jane, the youngest, tried to carry me while Jess dragged my other arm.

“Let go, I had her first!” whined Jane.

“No, you break things!”

“Let me play with her”

“No, I saw her first. Let-”

GIRLS, NO—!

It was too late.

Time stood still as the room watched in horror. The cold, hard floor broke through my arm first, breaking its fair exterior. Then, came my head. An awful crack pierced through the now silent room. I watched as my dad fell on his knees. Eyes wide and mouth open but I heard nothing. Was he saying something? I think I heard Aunt Martha scream, but I was not sure. What is happening?

Then, I felt it. The breath of fresh air that I had been waiting for. Finally, everything was so clear. Two watering, pale green orbs stared down at me, caressing my cheek.

“My little girl, you were in here all along?”, whispered Peter.