Women’s Struggle Of Existing | By Rayna Ahmad
Illustration by Vernice.
What It Means to Act ‘Proper’
Us women are taught to act a certain way—the ‘proper’ way. Ever since we were kids we were taught the ways to drink, sit, talk, and eat because no man would wed a girl who is ‘improper’. It’s a tough pill to swallow knowing that I live in this type of world. But I am privileged to live in a time where spitting may be bad, but possibly not the craziest thing a girl can do to be considered undesirable by men.A little while ago, many of my friends recommended a book called Why Men Love Bitches. They told me it would make me feel powerful and teach me how to attract guys without actually trying. I also discovered that the book was a result of countless interviews the author had done with many men. At first I was genuinely interested and immediately got my own copy, but I could not get past a quarter of the book for the life of me. The book definitely had an interesting approach but it irked me that I was expected to act like a specific type of ‘bitch’ to be considered attractive. Why do we have to try so hard to please men? Why is being in a relationship with men something that takes up half of a girl’s personality? So many girls I know are convinced they are nothing without a boyfriend and it is embarrassing to admit that sometimes I find myself feeling the same way.
A lot of it stems from our family— the ‘proper way’ teachings. We hear comments like, “Don’t eat so quickly or else no guy would want you”. Or, “Don’t laugh like a hyena or else no man would marry you”. Growing up around those comments can definitely mess a girl up. It strikes fear in the minds of young girls who might have little knowledge of the world outside of what their family tells them. Girls are basically trained to live a ‘proper’ life with fear as their motivator. It makes sense why a girl would feel like she is a nobody if she does not have a boyfriend or a husband.
What I believe most people have missed is why this fear seems so restrictive. The ‘proper ways’ seem like a way of living a soft, poised, vulnerable life in order for men to feel a sense of superiority when they are with a girl. Women are often taught that the slightest act of wildness from them could make a man feel emasculated, which to me, is a shallow way of thinking.
What Society Tells Us
This pressure to be ‘proper’ that originally stems from family could also morph into societal pressure. According to Cambridge, a society is “a large group of people who live together in an organised way, making decisions about how to do things and sharing the work that needs to be done”, which could be everyone in a country as a whole. It seems odd that society is the main reason why women are scattered around trying to find love while at the same time, so many women make up society. This should mean that women are also part of why this fear exists. So why is it that women are pressuring other women on something so minor? It simply does not sound right. This leads us to the question: Who are we referring to when we say ‘society’?It is believed that society is dominated by masculine authority and male chauvinism whether it be in Europe, America, or Malaysia. Male dominance in society is established by myths, historical accounts, and data from both Western and Eastern cultures. History amply demonstrates how consistently men have been engaged in war, harming the environment and the majority of violent crimes. Throughout it all, women were treated rather unfairly as well as not having a voice.
I think it’s important to raise a sort of awareness that there is a possibility that society’s opinions are very much male-dominated. The way for us to solve an issue is to first be aware of the issue. I find it saddening that so many girls out there can’t seem to live a more comfortable life because they are pressured into spending half of their lives trying to find love and get settled down.
Relationship FOMO: The Fear of Missing Out
I am by far the most annoying girl I know, always complaining about being alone and wanting to be taken care of by someone. It’s because everyone I know seems to be in a relationship. Sometimes I see engagement pictures of my classmates from primary school and wedding posts of my high school friends. I swear at one point I was told one of my friends was pregnant. People always asked me why it bothers me so much that others are in a relationship, and I would always say that it’s not about being bothered by their relationship, it’s rather the constant updates on these relationships that reminds me that I am nowhere near finding a good partner. It sucks to be left out.But what I need to realise and what I hope other girls out there realise is that we are also being left out of the bad parts of being in a relationship. A few years after those wedding posts from friends, you might get a call from a friend considering divorce. Or maybe they may be wondering if they are in an abusive relationship. Or they might call because they discovered adultery — or are committing it themself. With the baby news will come the possibility of health complications, miscarriages, disappointments, postpartum depression. There is always a good and bad side to what everyone else is doing at the moment.
There is obviously no issue if you’re a girl that wants a life all about relationships right now. You should definitely enjoy it. If it feels like it's taking up more of your time and energy than you really want to spend right now, it is completely okay to stop. No amount of warnings, talking about, “If you don’t start taking dating seriously then you’ll be single forever”, should force you to keep looking for someone.
The main reason for me writing this article is to let girls know that it is truly okay to be single right now. No matter what, you are always going to have to deal with the idea that ‘everyone else seems to be getting into relationships/ getting married/ having babies/ buying houses’. It is OKAY to not do those things along with others. Society shouldn’t be the reason why you’re living the way you are now, because that wouldn’t exactly mean that you’re living. It would mean that you are simply just existing.
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