Understanding It Ends With Us: The Good and The Bad | by Shree Pavana Kurunsikumaran
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| Illustrated by Michael (@zp0904) |
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| Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively in 'It Ends With Us'. Photo: Nicole Rivelli/SONY |
“Fifteen seconds. That’s all it takes to completely change everything about a person. Fifteen.”
― Colleen Hoover, It Ends with Us (2016)
― Colleen Hoover, It Ends with Us (2016)
Isn’t it amusing? Transformation happens not only in Mathematics or the infamous Autobots franchise, but also in real life—when people we’ve known for our entire lives, or at least thought we knew, embrace a completely different persona, marring any emotion or expectation tied to the relationship. It’s almost as if they are a wolf in a sheep’s clothing, deceiving their prey while pretending to be a benign confidant. But what if it is in the wolf’s nature to be unforgivingly cunning? Do you blame the sheep’s oblivion or the prevailing tendencies of the beast?
Setting the scene
Once titled the New York Times Best Selling novel, the critically acclaimed piece by American author Colleen Hoover has since sold more copies than the Bible in 2022, propelled by the uproar of BookTok, a niche not new to many of us. Since the boom of the book, many have brought to light the intricacies on which the foundation of the story was built, where some criticised the very reason it was written or the troubling concepts that were normalised and even romanticised blindly, while another half of readers related to the protagonist's dilemmas and found a sense of identity and representation.
“It Ends With Us” follows the prosopography of Lily Bloom, a courageous and persevering young woman manoeuvring a crazy maze of love, recovery and self-actualisation. Bloom’s story is set against the backdrop of her tumultuous upbringing, predominantly characterised by her parents’ abusive relationship, that followed her pursuit of romantic endeavours. Initially, taken aback by an “at first glance” charming neurosurgeon, Ryle Kincaid, Lily would find herself trying to break through his darker side, like trying to reach sunlight, while being underneath the concrete rambles of a building that had just crashed onto her perfectly “fairytale” life.
The story then takes us to circumstances where Lily is forced to make choices rooted in her own traumatic past. Hoover deftly examines issues of resilience, domestic violence, and the long-term impacts of early trauma. As Lily gathers the courage to confront her darkest nightmares and rethink what love is, her journey transforms into a moving examination of self-awareness and empowerment.
Unpacking the Essence of the Story
Impact of Past Trauma on Present Relationships
“Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles, rather than facing the fear of jumping and possibly not landing on your feet.
My mother went through it.
I went through it.
I'll be damned if I allow my daughter to go through it.
I kiss her on the forehead and make her a promise. "It stops here. With me and you. It ends with us.”
― Colleen Hoover, It Ends with Us (2016)
― Colleen Hoover, It Ends with Us (2016)
There are an array of ways that the course of a relationship can be affected by past trauma. Those who have endured trauma frequently and braved through it, often emerge scarred and wounded, but unfailingly strong-willed. Nevertheless, their perception of intimacy, love and trust will be equally marred, making it difficult to establish and sustain healthy, nurturing relationships. Unresolved trauma manifests itself as self-destructive patterns, an inability to set boundaries, and an increased sensitivity to rejection.
Lily’s experiences with her father, seeing him mistreat her mother, significantly impacted her views of love, trust and respect. To add on, she has deep-seated worries and insecurities that make her a hundred times more prone to repeating those exact patterns with her romantic, platonic or professional partners. In the story, the ambitious florist takes some blows, both metaphorically and literally, falling prey to Ryle’s violent moments and evil impulses. Tracing back to her mother, Lily too struggled with the inner turmoil of loving someone who hurt her. This dynamic highlights the difficulty of ending the cycle of abuse and the need for healing to promote healthier relationships by illuminating how unresolved trauma can cause people to unintentionally repeat accustomed, damaging relationship behaviours.
Breaking Free
Lily’s struggle to extricate herself from the bonds of abuse is evidence of her fortitude and will to build a better life for her daughter, Emerson and herself. At first, she feels ensnared in an abusive cycle with Ryle that echoes the horrific events of her early life. A paradigm shift occurs when Emerson is born, almost as if a motherly instinct was instantly ignited in Lily’s gut, pushing her to go to any lengths if it meant her daughter would be freed and safe from the very shackles she was bound to.
From a worldly viewpoint, it is vital for people—especially women—to leave violent relationships behind. The advancement of society and individual well-being pivots on such empowerment. Furthermore, paving the way for women to abandon toxic relationships has profound effects on the advancement of society, because they would be able to contribute to their communities and economies on a greater scale. More importantly, ending the abuse cycle has an even more positive effect on the following generation as children raised in a nonviolent home are less likely to continue the pattern of toxicity and abuse.
Backlash: Why and was it necessary?
Both positive and negative feedback for “It Ends With Us” was given, which sparked heated debates among reviewers and readers. While many praised the book for its honest and realistic depiction of domestic abuse, several critics and readers had reservations about a number of the book's elements as well as the author's methodology.
Romanticising Abuse
The conception that “It Ends With Us” romanticised violent relationships was perhaps the most supported argument if not the first. Some readers felt as if Ryle’s abusive behaviour—especially in the early going of his and Lily’s romance—was unintentionally justified. Critics contended that although the book aimed to illuminate the intricacies of violent relationships, it could have instead conveyed conflicting messages to readers, particularly younger audiences, regarding the themes of violence and love. The book's vivid portrayal of domestic abuse was met with criticism as well. While some people praised Hoover's unapologetic depiction of abuse, others thought the scenes were excessively graphic and upsetting.
Hoover’s Response and Controversies
On some accounts, readers recall their exchanges on the author’s social media turning defensive, as she did not adequately address the harm that her work might do to vulnerable individuals, namely victims of domestic abuse and younger readers. Hoover's methods for promoting and talking about the book were also questioned. Some claimed that certain marketing techniques trivialised the serious problem of domestic abuse by being out of step with it.
Writer’s Note
“It Ends With Us” garnered a great deal of appreciation for its daring portrayal of a challenging subject despite the criticisms. The book’s inherent emotional depth and the way it sparked crucial discussions on abuse, resiliency and the fortitude needed to leave toxic relationships were highly revered by readers and critics. The popularity of the book also highlighted the need for honest, empathetic novels that tackle real-life problems.
In essence, the book was critical of how it handled domestic abuse, and how the author responded to criticism, and it garnered significant attention for the complexity of violent relationships. The debates about the book and its writer serve as a thoughtful reminder of the careful balance needed when writing about difficult subjects.
Personally, the name itself, “It Ends With Us”, is apt for the story of Lily and her journey of breaking a cycle. The beauty of a woman becoming a mother, the choices she makes to protect her child, and the sacrifices that are crucial to be made can all be seen in this writing. The sheer strength and mental competency, a sort of survival mechanism that automatically activates itself, simply amazes me.
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